Old Bones

2011 10 24

Skull and Jovalene kick ass while everyone else takes a nap. They each find a level 18 magic item.

1500 EXP

2011 09 19
Felthior, and Dashwood disappears

Sep 19 2011

Tay is working for captain George North, who was recently hired by bad bad people to carry our team (ie You Assholes) to the most dangerous place in the universe, the Realm of Madness. Persephone is on the ship as a passenger.

We were three weeks into the journey when Felthior showed up. We’re in the middle of that fight. Felthior is bloodied.

During the fight, Dashwood says “I HAVE AN IDEA!” and pushes the button on his watch three times. It makes a big scary dimensional portal. He and Bulwak get sucked through it and disappear.

Here is a portrait of all the fucks we give.

The fight continues.

Elrif tries to push felthior into the portal but fails. Persephone tries too but also fails.

Persephone figures out that the portal goes to nowhen, so anyone who goes in will be there for a while and might randomly show up in another timestream. The portal starts sucking up pieces of the ship.

Felthior grabs Captain George North. She teleports both of them to the portal but fails to throw him in.

Elrif slides Felthior into the portal. We figure out that Dashwood’s watch is required to turn off the portal. The captain has a watch. Persephone makes the watch magic, which takes an hour. Skull heals the ship, which slows the deterioration. We start to hear a strange magical ticking. We need to put a piece of soul into the watch.

Effects of losing part of your soul: Teleport as movespeed, immortal, one healing surge. If you die it will take 2d10 weeks to return. If the item dies so do you.

Persephone volunteers. Woot. She feels weak, sickly, but she also feels the ticking of the watch in her chest. She also has a much better understanding of the watch.

The portal closes.

The boat is still kind of sailable.

2600 EXP

2011 08 22
Blackfire Necromancer and Bone Storm

aug 22

We are in Hell with a book in our hands. Fires are burning, souls are being charred and poked with sticks. The area around us is mysteriously clear of demons, mostly due to magic missiles. Dashwood shouts at Elethmir “Hey wise guy, let us up!” but there is no indication whether he heard.

We are attracting attention from some demons in the distance. Skull suggests a portal spell. Elrif doesn’t have the components. We start walking. Some of the demons we killed start to twitch. We keep walking and some skeletons start tearing themselves out of the dead demons. They start to make a swarm, and a thin gaunt demon seems to be conducting them. The swarm is shaped like a giant demon.

Blackfire necromancer (Lvl 18)
Bone Storm (Lvl 20)

Our melee attacks are not very effective against the swarm. Elrif knocks it prone. It slows people. It tries to grab Jovalene but she teleports away. Jovalene hits the necromancer with fire until it bleeds. Elrif crits on the swarm and does 87 damage. The necromancer dies of ongoing. As he dies he laughs and shouts “YES! YES!” and he coalesces with the swarm and the swarm screams in agony and gets angry.

The swarm grabs everyone but gets stunned and lets everyone go. Skull tries to look for an escape route while everyone else distracts the swarm by bleeding on it. Skull is kind of oblivious though, so Dashwood summons a great big owl named Abe and sends it off to check things out. It sees a faint glow in the distance. Jovalene runs to the glow but doesn’t figure out what to do with it.

Elrif crits on the swarm and makes it bleed. Skull tries to discover if the glowy thing is divine but ends up having a nervous breakdown. Jovalene looks at the glowy thing and says “This looks kind of like Elithmir’s…” and disappears through a portal. Skull and Dashwood both say Elithmir’s name and disappear too. Elrif hits the swarm again before disappearing through the portal.

We’re back in the Wisdom Realm.

extended rest

2150 exp

2011 08 15

aug 15

3 month break, couldn’t leave the wisdom realm, elithmir said book that brought hetheldar back from he dead had been located adn there might be clues on how to kill him again. there were demons, SO MANY DEMONS. we found the book. we’re standing around in hell, minus frizzle. we were joined by a mage named elrif who isn’t actually a mage, he was just very sneaky. He’s a theif. he was pretending to be a bad theif but he wasn’t. he actually stole dashwood’s heart. there was a scary box. it blew up. elrif had a million magic missiles a second, and then he ran out of bombs.

jo was not there and didn’t get experience

no rest
9212 exp

2011 07 25

July 25

Dashwood is comatose from being hit by a crow.

Frizzle makes a portal to the Wisdom Realm and smoke comes back through to where we are. Bulwark goes through first to see if it’s safe since he doesn’t have to breathe. Bulwark sees that it’s kinda smoky but bearable and hears distant screaming. He says it’s safe enough to go though and we all follow.

Things are on fire and people are running around screaming. Bulwark decides not to attack the random people to add to his 10,000 innocents hit count for the Raven Queen’s quest, because none of them look innocent.

Bulwark intimidates a passerby to ask questions. He threatens “Don’t think just because you’re a rapist means I won’t kill you.” We learn that everyone was attacked by flying people and a dragon, mostly focused around the palace, but no one knows why.

We head to the palace and see an army of people with wings in black armour lighting shit on fire. Frizzle recognizes them as Hetheldir’s angel army, the very army we’re trying to stop. They’re ignoring us. We run past them into the castle. We try to find Elithmir (the bodyless head who is the god of this realm).

There is an angel soldier sitting on Elithmir’s throne, with Elithmir’s head on the armrest, stroking his hair. Elithmir’s head is alive but badly injured, still regenerating one eye. The angel guy gives off a trail of black smoke. Frizzle thinks he’s a dragon in angel form.

We decide to be straightforward and demand the head back. He says “Come and take it.” Xenro is his name. He attacks with bursts and dazes and stuns us. He also makes fire rain down on us. He also turns his hand into a sharp-toothed mouth and bites with it. Frizzle gives us all resistances. When we hit him hard enough to make him bleed, he turns into a giant dragon, and everyone cheers. Jovalene reduces everyone’s damage. Frizzle makes a storm. Frizzle almost dies but Jovalene keeps her alive so she can heal. But later she falls unconscious. Xenro attempts to coup and crit fails. He was distracted by Jovalene’s flailing. But then Frizzle dies. Jovalene dazes Xenro and Bulwark deals the final blow. Xenro dies laughing. Xenro had a filactory but it’s not here. Jovalene notices that something fucked is happening outside the tent.

We search Xenro’s corpse. We get magic items and stuff.

4000 exp

We loot Frizzle’s body. She has two astral diamonds and 10,000 gold.

We talk to Elithmir. He says he needs books so we give him all the books we have. He starts to feel better. He says he’ll offer whatever help he can in the coming battles, including an army of wizards and sorcerers. He says he has allies in the Alderman’s council. So that’s where we should take him. He says he has dealt with the attackers so everything is ok outside now. Also apparently Hagaar is against us now. He says we can rest there.

Extended rest.

2011 07 18
Rabbit, Tiger, Panther, Raven Queen

Jul 18

We have arrived at the Raven Queen’s castle. We’re out of food, two of us are unconscious, we haven’t slept in days, and we’re being chased by monsters. The castle is way the fuck in the air and we’re way down at the gates.

We knock on the gate and a guy lets us in and leads us up some stairs to a room with beds. We decide to stay there and rest. Turns out it’s a cell and we’re locked in. Bulwark revives Dashwood and Dashwood revives Skull. Dashwood is starving and starts eating some Undermoss we find. Turns out it’s poisonous and he starts puking. Frizzle tries to do a storm spell to clean up but the room is impervious to magic. We rest. Woot!

Dashwood tries to blackmail the guard. He learns that the guy loves eating small children, and once saved the life of a puppy, but the guy is not threatened because we’re trapped. Frizzle prestidigitations a delicious-looking child beating a puppy. The guy runs to get the Raven Queen. We collect some Undermoss to sell later.

The guy unlocks the door. “The Raven Queen will see you now.” We go up some tiring stairs. We see the Raven Queen. Skull requests aid and the Raven Queen ignores us and stares. Dashwood tries to read her mind and then collapses on the ground in pain as entire lifetimes of experience and eternal torment flash into his brain at once. Ow.

Jovalene goes to talk to the general of the Raven Queen’s army and he says we’re too late, she’s already made a deal with Von Laserstein. The deal is a non-aggression pact and also she likes the idea of the world ending. Everything will be dead and her duty will be fulfilled. Dashwood says “What would happen if one of Von Laserstein’s armies attacked the Raven Queen?” The general says the pact would be over.

“Why is Von Laserstein marching on Sternum?” A spy dude sitting nearby says: “Sternum was supposed to be destroyed, the dead god was rising and somehow Sternum managed to escape. We’re rectifying that problem.”

We are escorted to a room with a bath and beds and stuff. Some half animal people come bringing food. (Tiger guy, Panther guy, and Rabbit guy.) Dashwood psychics them and they’re thinking about how they’re going to spend the money they’re getting from killing us. They were hired by the general of the Raven Queen’s army.

The cats attack with short swords. The rabbit attacks with claws and with poisonous gas. Jovalene sets herself up as a punching bag for one of the cats. There’s a big combat advantage train. Skull kills one of the cat people. Skull and Frizzle end up flanking the bunny temporarily. “Hey Skull, we’re flanking it.” “…What are we supposed to do with that?” “I think we’re supposed to hit it with a stick.” “And get blood on my dagger?” Bulwark kills the other cat. The bunny runs away. We chase him into another room but we can’t find him. Dashwood makes a barrel of bunny catching but there’s no bunny around. He keeps it for later bunny catching.

Dashwood checks his watch and does an insight check. He says “Ooh, I love insight, it’s the only thing I’m good at. Besides lying.” The watch is sending a homing beacon. We go back to our room to collect the food. Dashwood makes an epic barrel of mashed potato holding, which flavors everything like garlic and butter.

We go back to the throne room and there’s a 12-year-old girl on the throne. She’s in a lot of pain. We try to heal her but it’s not a physical problem. Skull tries to undo the girl’s straps but is knocked on her ass by lots of horrible pecking ravens. We look for a key but don’t find one. We hear mailed boots stomping down the hall. “Boots have gender?” Skull tries to pick the lock again and gets hurled across the room.

The general comes in and says we should go home. He has lifted the vail for us. He’s giving us one day We start questioning him. He explains that the Raven Queen is replaced each day from among the dead. He carries out her will based on the advice of the high priests who communicate directly with her at all times. Bulwark asks if he can become a high priest but it turns out he’d have to be dead and chained to the castle forever. The general leaves.

Dashwood makes an epic barrel of raven deflection so we can talk to the Raven Queen. The Raven Queen is pissed the fuck off that we interrupted the process of accepting souls and tells us to go away. She doesn’t want anything and can’t be bargained with. She’s totally cool with her high priests being imprisoned in the basement. She tells Bulwark he can get on her good side by killing 10,000 innocents one by one by himself. Dashwood takes the barrel and tries to read her mind again. He’s fucked up by the psychicness again. He doesn’t gain any cool skills.

Short rest. We portal out. Frizzle says “Once this is all over, don’t bother killing your 10,000 innocents, just kill me instead, because it’ll be worth the same.”

We go to the Wisdom Realm.

2600 exp

2011 06 27

June 27

Vad has been kidnapped by Von Laserstein. We are standing in the middle of a group of recently dead minions and their guts. We decide to head toward the Raven Queen’s castle. Jovalene notices that the dead minions didn’t originate here. They were dragged here from elsewhere, apparently eating each other and bleeding all over the place the entire time.
[The rest of the encounter didn’t get logged because the computer got wet.]

2011 06 20
Von Laserstein, gross minions

June 20

We have rescued the damsels in distress. We try to decide what to do with Damspot the vampire. “We could bring him with us.” “Well he eats people.” “Oh, yeah we should probably just murder this guy.” “Well we could wait ’til he gets hungry, THEN kill him.” We decide to use him as a meat shield then bring him to the Raven Queen to be judged.

We go back to town. Damspot leads us through the swamp. We return the damsels. Frizzle is in disguise so the stable guy doesn’t molest her. We go to a hotel which has a creaky wooden sign with something ominous written on it, and eat hearty stew. A bar brawl will probably happen later.

Extended rest

Jovalene has Metallica Wolf and Man type dreams. Out in the forests I run and kill.

We leave town and head out in the direction the vampires were following before, ie NE. After three hours the road turns to swamp again. After we reach the foothills, Jovalene, Dashwood, and Skull hear Metallica-esque guitar music. Skull freaks the fuck out and insists we leave. She tells a story about an immortal guy with turtle minions. “Wait, you mean Von Laserstein?” Vad flips out a little. “REVENGE.”

Frizzle tries to learn to play the song we’re hearing on a penny whistle Damspot happens to have. Dashwood tries to get a mental lock on a nearby group of people and sees people eating each other. Like people eating other people while those people are eating them.

Vad shouts at the sky trying to get Von Laserstein to appear. Frizzle says wistfully “If only Bruce were here…” Skull says “I will punch you directly in the vagina.” We keep walking and the music gets louder. We approach the sound of moaning gets louder. We see a whole bunch of people eating each other and regenerating. There’s a dude floating and playing the guitar, and encouraging the eating and regenerating.

Frizzle shoots Von Laserstein and all the minions get mad. They are unphased by being hit with cold. Von Laserstein stuns and immobilizes everyone. Frizzle pushes minions away. Jovalene teleports Von Laserstein away from his minions. Vad gets grabbed. Dashwood switches places with him by teleporting and it’s awesome. Frizzle almost dies but Jovalene teleports the attacker and makes him attack someone else. Frizzle makes a storm wall that kills lots of minions and crits against Von Laserstein and does 75 damage. Von Laserstein turns Vad and Dashwood into a fine mist. They try to high five and go through each other. Frizzle picks off minions like a mofo. She then tries to die but Jovalene gives her a shot of adrenaline so she doesn’t fall unconscious. Jovalene teleports Von Laserstein far away so he can’t heal his minions.

Von Laserstein grabs Vad, teleports up, flies higher, reveals Vad’s hand from under his shirt, licks it, says to the group “We’ll see each other soon” and flies off. We hear a crack and Vad drops his sword. Von Laserstein carries Vad away.

4900 exp each

2011 05 23
Bad actors, vampires, werewolves

May 23

We’re walking through the swamp. Occasionally there are dry patches where we dry off and get more comfortable before we trudge off into more wet swamp again. After a long day of traveling it gets darker, making it more dangerous to carry on. We decide to hangout where we are. Everyone goes to sleep except Jovalene and Skull who meditate while keeping their ears open. Skull notices fluttering wings and then a strange hush come over the swamp. Jovalene notices something seeming to get closer to the camp and then seeming to leave.

Everyone wakes up after successfully getting a good night’s sleep. We get into an argument about which direction to travel. Vad starts walking along a trail and everyone starts following him. At about 1pm we find a village with a wall around it and a gate. Vad asks the guard if we can come in. He says we have to leave our weapons behind. Dashwood says we’re the exterminators here to deal with their problem. He lets us in with our weapons and tells us about the vampires that are snatching up the young ladies, and to talk to May about it. We decide to go for it, as there could be a reward, and the raven queen might like us getting rid of undead things.

We knock on May’s door and hear sobbing. We go in and May, an old woman, starts screaming at us to get out. We ask for information about the vampires, and she says they’re not proper vampires. “Vampires I understand. They’re terrifying. These, I don’t even know what to call ’em. Bad actors at any rate. Thieving gypsy bastards. Who are you anyway. Did the mayor send you?”


She tells us we can get some horses at the stable. He gives us 5 horses in exchange for a promise of a “ride” with Frizzle afterward. We see some fairly fresh wagon trails and follow them. We catch up with the caravan. There are people out in the daylight, not sparkling, and it’s not mostly women.

“Have you seen the women from that town back there?”

“Yes I have,” says a well dressed bad actor, “I’ve seen alll of them. Back in the town”

“Have you heard anything about vampires? We heard a rumour that there were vampires snatching up the ladies in the town.”

They explain that they put on a play called VAMPIRES! but that they’re not real vampires, and that we shouldn’t go spreading rumours. We decide to travel with them so we can snoop on them. We find lots of gold and weak magic weapons, and some of them appear to be hiding something. At nightfall, the caravan stops and they build a fire and hang out.

Dashwood overhears a guy having a secret conversation in the dark with a guy in a robe, about how our party can’t be trusted and how we probably suspect that the caravan group has something to do with the disappearances. Dashwood follows robe guy out into the swamp away from the camp. He comes to tell us where the guy went.

We try to leave the camp by way of a failed orgy ruse and also a Chinese buffet ruse. Eventually all five of us manage to get away from the camp. We get to six people sitting around a fire. One of them sparkles in the firelight. None of the people are human.

Dashwood flounces in as bait but they tell him to go away. They have a super awkward conversation during which Dashwood says all the wrong things, and Skull stumbles in to save him. Sparkly guy says she’s magnificent, and she finds herself gazing into his dark, brooding, mysterious eyes. He says “Stay with me.” It’s super creepy. Vad attacks another one of the vampires.

Yay, we start fighting. Frizzle knocks most of the vampires unconscious. We beat up Edward, the leader, until he turns to mist and runs away. We beat up and question the remaining conscious vampires. They have no idea what happened to the missing girls. We decide to add the main one to our party. His name is Damspot. We loot Edward’s stuff. He has two astral diamonds.

We head back to town. Damspot buys a big box to sleep in. He starts leading us West following the scent of women. After 2 days he says he smells wolves and blood and viscera. We find a camp. It has a wagon with bars on the windows and there are hands grasping the bars. There are people hanging around who don’t move like normal people. They’re probably werewolves. They’re totally cooking people. We decide to murder them.

Vad gets noticed first and the werewolves attack him. We battle the werewolves, which attack by biting and clubbing us. Vad does over 100 damage in a single turn (not on his turn). Jacob, the shirtless werewolf leader, enters the battle and heals the other werewolves. Frizzle does blasts and bursts all over the place and dazes and blinds everyone. Dashwood heals everyone. Especially Jovalene.

Jovalene teleports a werewolf that was going to crit on Frizzle and makes him attack Jacob instead. Frizzle gets knocked out but Skull gives her a potion. Vad kills Jacob. The werewolves that can run away, and Vad and Jovalene kill two before they can get away.

We rescue the damsels in distress. We don’t find all of them, because some of them were eaten.

4480 exp


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